Trust me, there's nothing irrational about however you're feeling right now.
[His tone carries a slight sharp edge to it-- it's clear Phil isn't the only one who is feeling tense about this. It feels like a part of him has been cut away, and for all that he doesn't like feeling Phil's sadness and guilt, the space that's left behind is raw and aching and empty without its constant presence.
When he hears that sound, he slows down a bit to focus on that spot, rubbing his thumb in firm yet gentle circles over that knot to try to loosen it up a little.]
And that's why I wouldn't be blaming you for how I acted even if I could still feel your emotions.
[No, that one was all him, and he's willing to own that much. That anger - that hatred - that Hamelin managed to inspire with his little revelation? That was 100% his own, because of Phil but not from Phil.]
[ What he's really feeling right now is that it's all his fault they're both here, and his fault if anything goes wrong in their own world because of their absences — which it almost certainly will to at least some extent, without Marcus there to manage the Salvation Front. (Phil may be its leader on paper, but he knows his own absence wouldn't be felt nearly so acutely.)
So maybe it really is for the best that he's not pushing that mess of emotions onto Marcus this time. And maybe this way, if anything happens to him here, it will only happen to him.
...
He lets out another sigh, soft but plain to feel in his shoulders. ]
...Dana, Nuadha, and Balor were originally all human mirrists. It was a war between mirrists and mirrites that led to the destruction of Nibelung, in which Balor sided with the mirrites and the rest fought against them. Dana's Cradle, Tir Na Nog, was created by Dana and Nuadha as a refuge for the survivors of Nibelung, much like the creation myth says.
The god Nuadha is Aifread, who created the spirits of our world. The Aifread whose grave is in the Devil's Vortex is a descendant of Nuadha's mirrite.
And I'm... a descendant of Dana. That's why I was able to hear that voice in the Glasswater Woods all those years ago.
She told me to protect Aifread, but by that point there was too much interference to ask for clarification.
[Marcus is silent for a moment, letting all of this roll around in his head where it tries to find a place to settle. It certainly explains a lot of things-- why Phil has mirristry abilities so strong that they required a protective mirrage to keep them from damaging his own body, for one.
Suddenly, the divide between him and Phil - between mirrist and mirrite - feels almost impossibly wide.]
... that's a lot to take in.
[It's an unusually subdued response coming from him, with none of his typical smart remarks or bravado. Objectively speaking, this changes everything. If the Empire were to find out that Phil is a direct descendant of the Goddess herself... it wouldn't just be Glastein who would be targeting him for his own perverted desires.
But on a personal level, as far as Marcus is concerned, this changes nothing. Phil is still Phil, his hopeless disaster of a master who can't even change a lightbulb without assistance.]
You gonna be okay?
[Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't be asking this question at all. He'd just make some blithe comment and leave Phil to decide how he wanted to deal with it, which 95% of the time would mean Phil would just bottle it up and find some (probably self-destructive) way to cope, if he didn't just instinctively internalize some level of guilt regardless of whether or not it was really his fault at all. But right now... he's genuinely concerned, and even though he knows well that the answer he'll get is likely to be a lie, he's going to leave that door open just in case.]
[ There's a nod, though he isn't exactly holding his chin up high, and his smooth hair slides further forward over his shoulders with the motion. ]
It doesn't change our ultimate objective — why I sought her out in the first place — and it's a good deal more information than we had before, even if it's not necessarily clear how we might be able to use it all.
[ It's a carefully measured response, but it's not insincere. He's spent so much time wallowing in self pity already that he doesn't have any right to not be okay now, when he's such a big part of the reason their world ended up in such a dire situation. If nothing else, this means that he really should be able to play an important role in saving it as well... if he can figure out how. Funny that the question he'd gone there to ask never quite got answered.
He starts to say something else, but hesitates, and then turns his head back slightly, still at such an angle that he can avoid eye contact. ]
Do you resent being created in the way that you were?
[ In a war between mirrists and mirrites, he can't really imagine that his own side wouldn't have been at greater fault in the beginning. Dana and Nuadha's mirrites had remained at their side, fighting against their own kind, and he doesn't doubt that Marcus would do the same for him if history were to repeat itself. But he doesn't like the idea that he might be forcing him to act against his own interests. ]
[That's a new question. By now he's used to the "Do you want to be free?" one (he's not sure why Phil still keeps asking that, as his answer hasn't changed a bit over the years), and he can fend it off pretty easily. This... this one trips him up for a moment before he huffs another sigh and shakes his head, even though he knows Phil won't be able to see that.]
Are you gonna follow that up by asking me if I want you to release me? 'Cause I think I've already made my answer to that one pretty clear.
[It is and will always be 'no' no matter what, even if it means he's going to die when Phil does. He knows that and is prepared for it, because honestly, the other option - living without Phil - is unthinkable to him.]
If we're having honesty hour here... sure, sometimes it can be pretty inconvenient not being able to go that far away from you, and I don't enjoy getting a front row seat every time you're feeling down on yourself.
[A pause, and he focuses his attention back on that knot in Phil's neck, kneading it gently.]
But that doesn't come anywhere close to 'resent.'
[He belongs at Phil's side. As far as he's concerned, it really is that simple.]
[ Some of the tension in him does seem to release with that, at least, with something somewhere between a sigh and a tired laugh. ]
Ha... Right. I'm sorry. I know you don't like questions like that.
I don't know the precise reasoning behind what happened in Nibelung back then...
[ Though there are plenty of things he can imagine that might have incited it; he could hardly pretend otherwise after everything with the dead mirrites. Maybe one of them was just finally the straw that broke the camel's back. ]
I just don't ever want you to feel like I'm forcing you into anything.
[ His awareness of what was going on while Phantom was in charge of things is hazy, but he can guess how that went. And he can't pretend he doesn't bear responsibility for that. ]
Or like I'm holding you back from something better.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His tone carries a slight sharp edge to it-- it's clear Phil isn't the only one who is feeling tense about this. It feels like a part of him has been cut away, and for all that he doesn't like feeling Phil's sadness and guilt, the space that's left behind is raw and aching and empty without its constant presence.
When he hears that sound, he slows down a bit to focus on that spot, rubbing his thumb in firm yet gentle circles over that knot to try to loosen it up a little.]
And that's why I wouldn't be blaming you for how I acted even if I could still feel your emotions.
[No, that one was all him, and he's willing to own that much. That anger - that hatred - that Hamelin managed to inspire with his little revelation? That was 100% his own, because of Phil but not from Phil.]
no subject
[ What he's really feeling right now is that it's all his fault they're both here, and his fault if anything goes wrong in their own world because of their absences — which it almost certainly will to at least some extent, without Marcus there to manage the Salvation Front. (Phil may be its leader on paper, but he knows his own absence wouldn't be felt nearly so acutely.)
So maybe it really is for the best that he's not pushing that mess of emotions onto Marcus this time. And maybe this way, if anything happens to him here, it will only happen to him.
...
He lets out another sigh, soft but plain to feel in his shoulders. ]
...Dana, Nuadha, and Balor were originally all human mirrists. It was a war between mirrists and mirrites that led to the destruction of Nibelung, in which Balor sided with the mirrites and the rest fought against them. Dana's Cradle, Tir Na Nog, was created by Dana and Nuadha as a refuge for the survivors of Nibelung, much like the creation myth says.
The god Nuadha is Aifread, who created the spirits of our world. The Aifread whose grave is in the Devil's Vortex is a descendant of Nuadha's mirrite.
And I'm... a descendant of Dana. That's why I was able to hear that voice in the Glasswater Woods all those years ago.
She told me to protect Aifread, but by that point there was too much interference to ask for clarification.
no subject
Suddenly, the divide between him and Phil - between mirrist and mirrite - feels almost impossibly wide.]
... that's a lot to take in.
[It's an unusually subdued response coming from him, with none of his typical smart remarks or bravado. Objectively speaking, this changes everything. If the Empire were to find out that Phil is a direct descendant of the Goddess herself... it wouldn't just be Glastein who would be targeting him for his own perverted desires.
But on a personal level, as far as Marcus is concerned, this changes nothing. Phil is still Phil, his hopeless disaster of a master who can't even change a lightbulb without assistance.]
You gonna be okay?
[Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't be asking this question at all. He'd just make some blithe comment and leave Phil to decide how he wanted to deal with it, which 95% of the time would mean Phil would just bottle it up and find some (probably self-destructive) way to cope, if he didn't just instinctively internalize some level of guilt regardless of whether or not it was really his fault at all. But right now... he's genuinely concerned, and even though he knows well that the answer he'll get is likely to be a lie, he's going to leave that door open just in case.]
no subject
It doesn't change our ultimate objective — why I sought her out in the first place — and it's a good deal more information than we had before, even if it's not necessarily clear how we might be able to use it all.
[ It's a carefully measured response, but it's not insincere. He's spent so much time wallowing in self pity already that he doesn't have any right to not be okay now, when he's such a big part of the reason their world ended up in such a dire situation. If nothing else, this means that he really should be able to play an important role in saving it as well... if he can figure out how. Funny that the question he'd gone there to ask never quite got answered.
He starts to say something else, but hesitates, and then turns his head back slightly, still at such an angle that he can avoid eye contact. ]
Do you resent being created in the way that you were?
[ In a war between mirrists and mirrites, he can't really imagine that his own side wouldn't have been at greater fault in the beginning. Dana and Nuadha's mirrites had remained at their side, fighting against their own kind, and he doesn't doubt that Marcus would do the same for him if history were to repeat itself. But he doesn't like the idea that he might be forcing him to act against his own interests. ]
no subject
Are you gonna follow that up by asking me if I want you to release me? 'Cause I think I've already made my answer to that one pretty clear.
[It is and will always be 'no' no matter what, even if it means he's going to die when Phil does. He knows that and is prepared for it, because honestly, the other option - living without Phil - is unthinkable to him.]
If we're having honesty hour here... sure, sometimes it can be pretty inconvenient not being able to go that far away from you, and I don't enjoy getting a front row seat every time you're feeling down on yourself.
[A pause, and he focuses his attention back on that knot in Phil's neck, kneading it gently.]
But that doesn't come anywhere close to 'resent.'
[He belongs at Phil's side. As far as he's concerned, it really is that simple.]
no subject
Ha... Right. I'm sorry. I know you don't like questions like that.
I don't know the precise reasoning behind what happened in Nibelung back then...
[ Though there are plenty of things he can imagine that might have incited it; he could hardly pretend otherwise after everything with the dead mirrites. Maybe one of them was just finally the straw that broke the camel's back. ]
I just don't ever want you to feel like I'm forcing you into anything.
[ His awareness of what was going on while Phantom was in charge of things is hazy, but he can guess how that went. And he can't pretend he doesn't bear responsibility for that. ]
Or like I'm holding you back from something better.